Maija finds her sport

Oh man, oh man. Saturday was a freaking phe-nom-in-al day! So much fun. J. came and got me at 9am and we went Sea Kayaking on Utah Lake for the next 5 hours. It was so much fun and I was so comfortable and relaxed. K. even said I looked great at it. She was suprised how naturally I took to it. Of course, I didn't tell her that I had done it a couple of times before in Seattle. We practiced our open water re-entrys and I got it handed to me. I guess getting out of an up turned boat is easy but getting back in in the middle of the lake with waves all around you is a little harder. I'm bruised everywhere and sore and so happy. It took me like 20 minutes to get back in the first time. I couldn't get the balance just right so as soon as I was on top of the boat then I'd pitch forwards or backwards and roll the sucker again. But I finally figured out the trick that works for me and so *hopefully* shouldn't have a problem with it now. Oh man, really, I was high the rest of the day. I'm already to go again. I don't even know how to express to you the great joy and happiness that was mine that day. SO MUCH FUN!! Maija has definatly found her sport. Yup, I'm a sea kayaker.

Unsent

Last night I wanted to write letters to some people in my life, sort of saying what I wish I could say but for lots of reasons can't. It was very holistic. I guess by the time I've got them from my heart to my head and then paper and now computer I'm pretty much purged of it and can let it go. I don't know... Maybe I've been listening to to much Alanis Morrisette. But anyway, here for you all in all of it's raw gore is my own personal version of 'Unsent...'

Dear XXXXX,
Frustrating that I can't be friends with you any more. The epitome of all my control issues, I guess. I miss having the ball in my court. I miss you chasing me. I'm tired of running after you. It turns out in the end you don't understand me like I had hoped. Or if you do, you're cruel. I don't really miss the chase I guess as much as what it represented. The excitement of thinking you wanted me and the hope of what that could mean.

Dear XXXXXX,
You made me almost believe in nice guys. I almost believed that I could find what I was looking for. That was awfully mean of you. Especially when you knew you weren't available. You shouldn't have spent those late nights climbing, those deep conversations, those laughing fun moments with me. You shouldn't have lifted me so high when you knew how hard and fast I fall... and how scared I was to.

Dear XXXXX,
So much time invested and what to show for it? You've been a good springboard for some life lessons but your teaching style at times is to harsh. I'm frustrated though by how badly at times I still want you. The hope for future and family sometimes is stronger then the voice of reason. I'm sorry we can never really be true, great friends. You've seen me at my worst and known me at my best and still you said you didn't want me. I'm sorry, but I just can't get over that.

Dear XXXX,
I'm happier pretending with you then I am in reality with everyone else. Sometimes I wish you could just come and rescue me from everything. But such a big difference between could and would. Would you? I guess that's where the pretend part comes in. In my dreams you are everything. But then again, I guess it's easy to fall in love by yourself.